A Widow's View

I wrote this entry and published it on a page, but I did not like the way I had written everything so I ended up drafting it. One afternoon I decided to re-post it and edit a few things. As I was reading it once again I was shocked to see that I had wrote some of the same things that are in "Forget-Me-Never" written by "Carole Brody Fleet". (I also have that in a page tab) I have talked to several different widows since Perry's death and when they open up their hearts and tell me their feelings I feel as though they are speaking about my life. Therefore I guess I shouldn't find it to be a surprise that I wrote some of the same things Mrs. Fleet wrote because we all share so many of the exact same feelings!


I think I could write a book about this subject! There are so many things that can be said when it comes to loving again after the loss of a companion.  I also want to say this for the benefit of someone that just does not understand and has never been here before before I begin, so here goes......When I say "moving on" I do not mean "forgetting" I mean just moving on and trying to make the best out of a tragic situation and finding happiness again. I will NEVER forget Perry, we were married for 12 years.....moving on is not saying ok I forget you, now what does the next phase of life have to offer me. There are two choices you make when you lose a loved one, you either move on, or you do not, there is no in between.  So with that being said here is the story!


Going from a wife and a mother to a single mother in a 24 hour span can literally knock your feet out from under you in many ways. When I lost Perry I not only lost my husband and our sons father, but I also lost a life long friend. I had known him all my life.
There are so many adjustments to make, you feel like you lose your identity and in a way you do. Going from a married woman to a single woman brings many things your way you never think of. I think one of the most extreme things that stood out to me following the weeks after his death, was the fact that you are suddenly on this pedestal and everyone is watching you closely, it's seems every move you make is seen and talked about. I felt like I was judged wrongly if I smiled or laughed, I felt like I was walking on ice. I wanted to just get away and find myself again, see who I was and where I was going. I did get away for a few days, and I feel like that getaway saved me from some heartache, I was able to escape from "home" and just think, kind of clear my mind.
Grieving is such a long weird process, one day you cry till your hearts hurts, the next day you are so angry you could scream, the next day you are like "I can do this" then the next you are on bottom again. The simplest thing can spark a memory and you cry all day.
One thing I decided when I went out of town for a few days is that life goes on and I was not going to let the things that was being said to me change that!  Perry would not have wanted me and Tanner to quit living. The hard part was figuring out how to go on. With every day came something new, a decision, a new heartache, another level of grief.
After Perry died I didn't know if I would ever re-marry and I planned my life and future without a man being a part of it, although I did hope that God would send us someone..... I did not want Tanner to be raised without a Dad in his life. But re-marrying also seemed so unfair to whoever I might would meet because you still love and always will love the one who has passed.
I prayed God would intervene in my life and send me someone that would love me and Tanner unconditionally. I was terrified to re-marry, I was terrified I was going to be hurt. I prayed and prayed and was very confused about situations in my life and I was asking God for His will, but nothing in my life seemed right nor did I feel like I was in God's will, I had to feel that peace and assurance from God. My life got to the point where it seemed that nothing was right and I didn't think it ever would be, I would never really be happy again I was just going in circles and I felt like I was floating in space. Who would even want to marry me, I am almost 30 years old, I have a child, I'm not the 18 year old single girl out there, I have a long past, with lots of stories to tell and heartaches I've been through, who would want me?
One morning I felt so distressed I fell to my knees and wept like a baby and told God I did not like my life the way it was, would He please change it for me. Within three days my prayer was answered. Dathan contacted me through text message "we lived over 400 miles apart" I knew the day he sent the message that I would marry him. I barely knew him but I knew he was a great guy that loved God and he had a relationship with Him, that is what I was looking for.

As the new beginning in my life began and I was officially dating someone, the guilty feeling was there, I shouldn't be dating I shouldn't be happy. I was scared to smile in front of certain people when I was with him, and I was scared to show any kind of emotion towards him. I worked through those feelings and handled things the best I could. We were married on  Dec. the 5th 2009, almost two years after Perry had been killed. I cried and cried on the morning of our wedding, it hit me why I was here, I am going to walk down the isle the second time because Perry had died. Guilty guilty guilty, would I ever get past that guilty feeling?


I was beyond happy and blessed to be marrying Dathan, but I just felt like I owed someone an apology for moving on but who!? I finally realized I didn't owe anyone an apology and that I was not the reason Perry had died, I could not change that fact. I didn't choose this life and moving on did not mean I was forgetting Perry.  I know he would have wanted me to move on and I knew he would like Dathan alot, that gives me peace. Dathan has let me cry on his shoulder while I grieve, he has seen me break down when I open up a box with Perry's belonging's, or just times when a memory of him hits me. I still have days when I cry till my heart aches. I am thankful that I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with being happy and loving again.  Dathan has been more than I could have ever asked for, I really wonder why God blessed me with such a great guy, one who is understanding, one who treats me so great, and who is amazing with Tanner and he does love us unconditionally! He is everything and more than I asked for! We have an awesome marriage and a great relationship! I am glad that I opened my heart up and loved again!!

Our first date
Our Wedding
Just married

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