I had a great childhood raised by Godly parents who loved me unconditionally. I had many hopes and dreams for my life. I married a guy named Perry whom I had known all my life. After being married for several years we decided to start a family. We eventually had the news delivered to us by our doctor that many couples fear, your chances are almost zero.... we would most likely never have a child. After a very long road of treatments and surgery, God blessed us and we were able to conceive a child! The excitement was overwhelming! My first ultrasound was so exciting to see that tiny little soul with a heartbeat! At ultrasound #2 they discovered that we were expecting twins! It felt like I called everyone I knew within five minutes! I was so excited! That was a dream come true, I wanted twins! You always have a best friend, I know :-) because I am a twin! At one of my routine US they told me one of the twins had a Nuchal Fold Thickening, wow was that foreign to me. I of course asked alot of questions....they told me it could be a sign of a chromosome disorder. I was terrified. I went home and got on my computer and typed in "chromosome disorder" Down Syndrome was the first thing I seen....needless to say I was extremely upset, I knew basically nothing about DS and the few things I did know about it scared me to death. My doctor then sent me to Louisville, Ky. for more testing. With every US we received more bad news. Baby B was very sick. We never allowed them to do the amniocentesis to determine if I was carrying babies with DS. I did learn the babies were identical, so if one baby had DS, they both would. I was put on complete bed rest. I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, I ended up in the hospital at U of L in Louisville. They were able to stop my labor and sent me home 5 days later. My wonderful friends and family threw me a baby shower on February the 14th, 2005. I was able to set in a recliner and open all my gifts! I had two of everything, I was so excited despite the fears I had. I knew my baby was sick but I had high hopes he would live. I was to go in on Monday morning the 21st of February for a routine US, I had them every week. I had seen my babies numerous times on US, I knew the routine. I immediately knew once they were on the screen that baby Reagan was gone. I can't explain the horrible sadness, those dreams I had for my two twin boys were gone. Perry was not with me at that US but my mother was. I laid there for quite sometime and cried. My doctor came in and told me that he had died of congestive heart failure, his whole body was filled with fluid. They told me they wanted me to go to Louisville which was a four hour drive. My mother and I waited for Perry and other family members to arrive so we could make the trip up there. Our hearts were crushed. I was 31 weeks. I went into hard labor en-route to Louisville. We made it to the hospital sometime late that afternoon and the twins were born sometime before midnight that night. As I lay on the delivery table I seen as they lay a tiny baby full of life on the table, then I seen as they lay his twin right beside him... it was the most bittersweet moment I had ever witnessed in my life. They allowed Perry to take Reagan to the room where our family was waiting. I was later told by family that Perry walked in the room as the tears rolled down his face holding our lifeless child and said, I just wanted to take him fishing. Once I was back in my room I was able to hold Reagan we kept him with us until almost daybreak. Giving him up was the hardest part, I knew that would be the last time I would see him on this earth, you see he would be taken home and buried within two days and I would not be able to go home. My twin sister stepped in and took my place back home and prepared him for his burial. There are no words to describe the sadness I felt. I felt like so many hopes and dreams were thrown into the sea. I was taken to the Ronald McDonald house a couple days later to recover and I would stay there by Tanner's side until he could be released from the hospital. They told us they had done the blood test to determine if Tanner had DS, but they also told me they did not think he did because he did not have some of the classic features. I was of course extremely hopeful. Exactly a week after they were born I was setting in the NICU holding Tanner and the doctor walked in, she said oh I seen that his blood test was back but I don't think he has DS because usually when they test positive we hear from the test alot quicker, I'll go grab it. I was holding on to every bit of hope I could grasp.... she walked in and ever so bluntly said, he unfortunately has Trisomy 21. I was terrified of him, I knew he would die...this tiny precious soul that I had fell so in love with was going to die and I couldn't stop it, that is what I thought. I rushed out of the NICU to call Perry, he could not stay up there full time because of work. My mother was with me and I thank God for her. Delivering the news to this new Dad was almost more than I could bare....we both set on the phone and wept....I couldn't understand life, I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs.....Reagan was gone and Tanner had tested positive for DS. Tanner was able to go home about 4 weeks later which was a total surprise to his doctors. The first stop I made before going home was at a store to buy flowers, next stop was the cemetery, I will never forget pulling up there and seeing that mound of fresh dirt, I just wanted to take those twins home from the hospital and live happily ever after. God had other plans. I got home and panicked, how can I care for a tiny baby on my own, he suddenly goes from 24/7 care in the NICU to home! I somehow managed, I took one day at a time and with the wonderful help of family we made it. As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months I soon realized that God had placed someone so very special in my arms. Down Syndrome was no longer a chromosome disorder to me but to me it meant "a perfect child" I wish I had known all along what joy his diagnosis would bring. We grieved daily for Reagan, but we also felt so blessed to still have Tanner with us. He has brought more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined, I would never change his diagnosis! Perry and I went to visit Reagans grave on the 3rd anniversary of his birth, we placed toys and balloons on his Teddy Bear stone. What I didn't realize is that in less than 3 weeks I would be standing there watching them lower another loved one.
March, 3rd 2008 was just a normal day other than the fact that it was pouring rain and was so cold. Tanner had music lessons that afternoon and a birthday party to attend so I planned my day for that. Perry didn't go to his normal job because of the bad weather, so he was just in and out of the house that day going here and there. Tanner and I started getting ready around four that afternoon, Perry was leaving also so he hollered up the stairs to tell us bye... I hollered back at him and told him to come upstairs, I remember so well hearing him come up those wooden stairs and then him peeking his head around the door and saying "what" ! I said I wanted to tell you bye you know we may never see each other again, I remember we just froze for a moment in a stare then said our goodbyes and he was gone. I never thought about him dying, I only thought about Tanner and I being out on the highway traveling in the bad weather. Wow what an impact those words would have. I left the house around 4:30 and something quickened within me to call Perry and just say "I love you" I did just that and then went on my merry way never thinking anything about what had transpired that day. I was setting in Chuck-E-Cheese around 8:30 PM at the birthday party I had took Tanner to when my phone rang. I answered, it was Perry's brother Darren and he asked me where I was at in a panicked voice, I told him and he asked me again "where are you" to which I answered again, then it suddenly hit me something has happened to Perry, I said has something happened to Perry? to which he replied I don't know and hung up. I knew something terrible was wrong, but I had been told nothing. I then learned from other phone calls being made about a shooting, I immediately thought about our neighbor that had accused us of poisoning him many times, accusing other neighbors also. We had been scared of him for quite sometime but never thought he would do something as extreme as killing someone. I rushed out to my truck with Tanner and began speeding towards home in the pouring rain. About half way home I learned Perry was gone, he had been shot "murdered" in cold blood in the driveway of our home by our neighbor. The police had roadblocks set up so I couldn't get home, they did not know where I was at. I ended up at my cousins house, I remember being in such shock and literally hitting myself in the head saying this is a dream, I vividly remember them telling me no Chera this is not a dream. After a horrible night of sorrow and grief spent at Perry's parents house I said I wanted to go home, my family advised me against it but I felt I had to go home. Going home will be a memory I will never forget. I pulled up in the driveway and there set his truck just as he parked it, it looked just like he was home. I walked in the house and there lay his shoes and jacket and everything looked normal but one thing, Perry was gone, the void screamed out at me like nothing ever had before...I literally screamed "he is gone" I wanted nothing more than to call him back. I must have walked every inch of that house, I touched his truck, I set at his desk, held his coat, his quilt trying to remember every memory I could. My home was now an empty cold house full of sorrow. The days that followed were days I cannot write in words, the sorrow and heartache I felt I cannot explain. Life as I knew it was over in a moment. We have had to endure two murder trials, as if one wasn't enough. In March of 2014, six years after the death we were faced with yet another one. Mr. Jones Perry's killer is now a free man. Words can never describe to anyone the sorrow I have experienced knowing someone that purposely killed someone so dear to me is free.....seeing him in public is the toughest thing, going on with his life yet someone so young is in the grave because of his actions. I have to fully lean on God for security, peace, and hope.....without Him I could not go on. There are days my heart hurts and I long to talk to someone about the pain...but, I have a friend that is closer than a brother that I can run to when my heart is overwhelmed, He is there anytime to listen and He understands my tears! His name is Jesus! There are so many details that I would love to include in this story about the days leading up to his death, the conversations, the fun times, but time would fail me to write everything down here. The older I get the more I realize that God does not work on our terms, and we just have to place our lives in His hands. Through it all I can still say God has been good to me..... I hope I never complain about anything ever! Trials make us stronger and I know God has a plan for my life. If you happen upon my page and you are going through something in your life, try giving your problems to God because He cares about everything you need, big or small! The older I get the more I realize that life ain't always beautiful, but that's the way God intended for it to be, if trials never came our way we wouldn't appreciate all the good things!! There are many blog posts on my blog about the trials and other things that have happened, there are also posts about the ways that God has helped me that you can read also.
