My prayer has been for the Lord to make me a soldier, teach my hands to war, be a witness, have a servants heart, be a help and encouragement to others around me and so many other things. I wanted to be more like Christ. I didn’t realize that God would choose to answer many of those prayers through a trial that tested me to the very core of my emotional being. I set as a mother and watched my “special” son deteriorate right before my eyes not knowing what was wrong and wondering what the diagnosis and/or outcome would be. I started evaluating my life and my priorities and realized there were many areas that I needed to move up in and make sure God was first place. While setting in the hospital one morning during Tanner’s first hospital stay I felt God speak directly to me through my devotional. He showed me some things He wanted of me so I could be more like Him. I may have given up a few things, but I untimately gained so much more. On September, 30th 2017 I experienced an emotional shock with a diagnosis that I thought the radiologists in Paducah hospital was giving to me concerning Tanner that resulted in me becoming a lifeless figure laid across the hospital bed. As I looked across the room at Tanner I wondered how we had got here, and how I could take the next step and possibly ultimately say goodbye. Tanner was transferred by ambulance later that evening to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital where the doctors started working to correct the issues he had. I had felt like God had spoken directly to me through scripture and had given me a promise with the definitions in the scripture, but I couldn’t get my mind, body, and spirit to agree with each other. Once we realized that his diagnosis was most likely not the worst case scenario my mind still could not get over the shock I had felt, I couldn’t absorb it. I continued to pray and read the scriptures I felt God had given me over and over, pleading with mine own self to believe and accept this could get better. God continued to confirm to me through scriptures over and over what He was trying to tell me. I wrote these scriptures down in my prayer journal and took them to surgery with me, I was doing my best to lay the burden at His feet.
I never dreamed I would set and watch my son not be able to eat or drink for days. I didn’t know my heart could handle such. I didn’t know I would ever watch him wake up from surgery hollering in pain and look at me through pleading eyes to take it away. I didn’t know that watching a milky formula run through a tiny tube to his stomach would make my heart want to burst with joy. I didn’t know what 4 ounces of apple juice would mean. I didn’t know that a smile at 5:30 in the morning would mean the world to me because I knew the smile was coming from the fact that he had had 6 ounces of nutrition in his belly after having been so hungry from not being able to eat.
As we continue our journey with Tanner I know I will learn many more things and be changed in many more ways, but let me list a few things I’ve learned so far....
I’ve learned that God loves us with an unconditional love.
I’ve learned so much more about prayer.
Ive learned that God gives grace for every need.
I’ve learned I shall never leave my post of duty He has called me to no matter how I feel. I must stay in His will in the hard times, the tired times, the frustrating times, the busy times, as well as the good times.
I’ve learned He is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
I’ve learned what it feels like to rest in Him.
I’ve learned that He will allow you to get close to the edge of breaking, but He won’t let you break.
I’ve learned the value of Godly friends and family.
I’ve learned that serving Him is what I am here for.
I’ve learned that when you are walking in the fire you won't be burned, and that you are not alone.
I’ve learned what it feels like for God to carry you.
I’ve learned a lot more about compassion.
I’ve learned to be more aware of the needs of others around me.
I’ve learned so much more about trust.
I’ve learned to get the good stuff, we have to go through the hard stuff.
I’ve learned, I’ve learned, I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, with every step I’m learning.
Tanner's welcome home sign in our front yard after his 11 day hospital stay
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